I'm Tired. I'm a Mess. And I'm Here.

That's my mantra of the day, week, year, I don't even know.

I'm just tired. It's all "Go! Go! GO!" all the time. Do this. Be here. Don't even think about when you're gonna clean your house because nobody's got time for that. Everything's just a mess. It's exhausting. It's messy. But I'll be here. 

Some days it feels like it'll never end. The pain. The pushing forward. The always doing, doing, doing what's expected of me, of us. The people. I love the people, but people are exhausting. I'm exhausted. I need a break. But I can't take a break. It's going, going, going. 

And it's good for them, good for the people. They build energy from being around each other. They enjoy it. I enjoy it. But I'm too exhausted to enjoy it any more than I am. I enjoy it less than them. It leaves me tired. Needing rest. Needing a break. Needing more... time. More free time to just rest and take a break. But, I don't get that free time, because I'm busy. And I need to clean my house. But I already don't have time for that. So I'm just tired, exhausted. It's exhausting. 

Then my body takes a break. I get a fever. Break out into exhaustion where I can barely keep my eyes open, at work no less. Or while I'm busy. While I'm with people. While I'm doing all the things. I need a break but I can't take a break. Then when I do take a break, I'm not really on a break. Sure, I stopped doing all the things, but now I'm doing all the other things that I didn't have time for before. Two loads of dishes. Done. Laundry. Done. Now I'm still exhausted, but feeling more accomplished. Maybe I'll rest now, just for a bit...

No, I can't do that. I've got that thing. You know? There's always a thing. Something needs done. Something to do. Something. What was that thing again?

Then there's the stress. It sets in when I'm exhausted. Sometimes anyway. Other times it doesn't, not so much anyway. I look around at the mess as I finally rest, and go, "What do I do now?" It's not restful. It's a break, sure, but restful? How do I rest?

That's what Sabbath is for: rest. It's in the Bible. I know that. I like the idea of a Sabbath day of rest. A day off. Do nothing that "needs" done or is on the to-do list. Fellowship with others in peace without DOING things. Help others as needed, but not putting a bunch of things on my to-do list. Just... resting. 

But then the events come up. This is this weekend. That's that weekend. When is there a break? Why can't I Sabbath? Enjoy it? Make the most of it? There's too many things. Even church things. It's great, sometimes. But still, I need that break. 

I'm tired. I'm a mess. I need rest. But I'm still here. 

The still here part keeps me going sometimes. I'm still here, so I might as well do X, Y, and Z while I'm at it. I'm still here, so I can rest later, or soon, but not yet. No rest yet. Not now. Not while this needs done and that's still waiting for my attention. 

And I don't even have kids yet! How do you parents do it? It's exhausting just taking care of me and my spouse (he tells me to take breaks and tries taking care of me too, but I don't always listen or let him or know how to let him...). I'm exhausted. You must be exhausted. Man, we need to rest!

But we're too busy. Too busy to rest. So we wear ourselves out, burn ourselves down, until there's nothing left but a mess. Too messy, too much mess to rest. No, must deal with the mess, then rest. 

But then we never rest because there's always a mess.

God says there's a better way. He wants us to rest, even in the mess. He'll deal with the mess. We don't always let Him, or trust Him to deal with the mess, but He does. He will. Suddenly, there will be a lot less mess vying for your attention if you give it to God and take the rest He wants for you. He offers you. Don't rest forever obviously, because you still need to work too, but don't work so much that you never rest. Does that make sense? Do I make sense? It's messy. It's exhausting. I'm not really sure what else to say or do here. 

But I'm still here. It's still messy, but I'm going to rest and be okay. Take the Sabbath and rest and enjoy God's work, resting from my own. Taking that much needed break. It's biblical! God says if we come to Him, He'll give us rest and lay a lighter burden on our shoulders, taking what's heavy and giving us an easier load, carrying the rest Himself. That sounds nice. This has been really heavy lately.

God, it's all yours. The mess. The tired. The needs-to-get-done list. The wants-to-get-done list. The cleaning the house. Maybe some of it I'll still need to do later, but not right now. Not when it's time to rest. 

Take a break. Let God deal with the mess. It's too messy and too busy to handle it all on your own. So don't. Let God. Spend time just chilling with God. The messiness, the busyness, it'll all be okay. Just take the rest you need, that God tells you to take. It's important. It's good. It'll help you get more done later. 

Surprisingly, I've found that after I take some time to rest, to chill, to not work on stuff but to lay low and just rest for a while, I have more energy to get everything else done. And that's good. That's important too. You can't give from an empty cup (I've heard it so many times before, sorry I don't know where it started/came from). You have to rest, filling your own cup, so you can go and do all the things that still need done, but God will help you do them. He'll make sure it all gets done, if you just rest in Him first and foremost. Love God, and rest in Him. Love people, and help them. But above all, just rest in God, spending time with Him. It's one of the best ways you can show Him you love Him. He doesn't care about the to-do lists getting done, or if you've made it to church every week, or anything you probably think He cares about. He just wants you. He wants to spend time with you and have a relationship with you. He wants you to be here, serving Him, living for Him, putting Him first, resting in Him. Be here, and that's enough. He'll show you the rest along the way. 

Yes, He wants you to live for Him, but more than that He wants a relationship with you. He wants your heart, for you to be all in, infatuated with, in love with, Him. The God who made you. Your Father. He wants to adopt you. He wants you to be His. He's waiting to get to spend time with you in person, not just as an omnipresent God in a heart that seeks Him, but to see you face-to-face in eternity, so that you can see Him too. He loves you, more than anything, more than you know. He loves you with all His heart, you know? It's very cool.

So, let's take a break and rest in Him, shall we? I'm tired. I'm a mess. But He makes me whole. And I'm here. He'll help clean up the mess. I just need to rest in Him first. That's enough.